an ode to a liberated life, for my past self

on many days you give up on counting, and you contemplate what is this impermanent life trying to do with you. if nothing particular happens when you decide to give up on participating, then why bother trying to live through this tiring life? repeating the same patterns you find intolerable — waking up, feeling hollow as the sun rises, feeling absurdly more hollow when the sun sets, going to sleep — over and over?

but, as much as those lingering thoughts keep bothering you, you are also as desperate to break free from this confined space. so, with that newfound spirit, you pick up new habits, read more books, listen to many podcasts, and absorb as much advice as you can. sometimes, you are asleep from the exhaustion of seeing too many saturated paragraphs of positivity. these so-called “look on the bright side” quotes should have been your source of solace, you should have been comforted by the thought that maybe, maybe these obstacles will pass.

you are engulfed by the immense sense of guilt, of not being able to find the clear in the raging storm. of not smiling on the verge of crying. still, you don’t have the capacity to produce any slightest idea on how to live properly. to live arm in arm with “normalcy” that people constantly pursuing. to live with no entangled burden in your throat. to live with lighter footsteps, with striking joy reverberating from it.

thinking how much pathetic it is to restlessly searching guidance only to find no appropriate answer that fits you, you begin to think that there must have been something wrong with you. maybe you were built differently, with more mismatched neuron connections, perhaps. or probably this is a punishment you must endure due to your ancestor’s wrongdoings in the previous life, hundred years ago. and out of randomness, you are chosen to carry the torment. or maybe it is simply because of you, you are predetermined to live this hard. you are the cause why hardships always get in the way.

you find it amusing how one single lifeless object could inflict particular memory related to it — an inevitable gateway of flooding emotion. the entire scene replays vividly in your sight, then. oh, how painful it is, when those memories start slicing you bit by bit, producing sharp edges that wrap you around powerless. they become gigantic, not leaving any space left in your room, and you are now voicing soundless help by letting tears escape your pool eyes.

the thought of socializing exhausts you. of having your vulnerabilities laid bare open from those judging eyes. they will soon catch me shrinking into a fragile fraction of molecule, you thought. they will easily discard me, you presumed. running away, you close the door to bigger network opportunities. but, deep down, you feel excruciatingly lonely.

on some rare occasion, you come across joy. it feels peculiar for you, but you nod anyway. you begin to see things more bearable. you begin to exchange these newly discovered positive emotions with the displeasure you feel the past days. you feel it’s okay to have experienced those discomforts in order to receive this kind of happiness. you justify all the pains you previously find suffocating. but the thing about happiness is, that as fast as it arrives on your doorstep, it also vanishes as quickly without you noticing the sign. in the blink of an eye, you are back on the same continuous dark loop. with no happiness apparent in your eyes, you sustain more aches.

you feel haunted by a monumental sense of failure. your brain gets fixated on the idea that you are a helpless creature, that you will only be going to die without any worthy remembrance. people will forget you exist at all. you feel time accelerates leaving you behind. why does existing in the passage of time require you to buckle up your protection mechanism? your nerves get the best of you, you always feel alert, as if there is an eternal enemy aiming bullets ready to shoot you, lurking behind your shadow. “something will go awry, things will end up bad, I will never make it, I will only be defeated”, you thought.

you are incapable of knowing what could be the end of this? perhaps, if somehow you are that productive vlogger on YouTube who seemingly has her life in line, or that extremely popular young scientist who just newly discovered a habitable planet, would you feel satisfied? would you feel less unworthy and would you wake up without the inescapable hole gaping in your chest? would you begin to know your purpose to exist in this grand scheme of things? of multi-billion-universe scenarios surrounding you?

these exhausting series of triumphs, failure, celebration, and failure all over again. what could be the end of these?

I take your hands in mine just in time. “hey, why don’t we put a stop to all of these series of pursuing illusionary accomplishments?” we nod in agreement. it seems like you know what I am about to say. it seems like you are already handing out your faith in me because we are so similar. we are so distinctive that we look alike in so many terms. we are just different in time. past, present, and future.

I lock my gaze in yours, and say, “maybe through all of these surprise jumps, you could find the momentary exhilaration. the exhilaration that exists in such a tiny fraction of time, that you’ll begin to notice how speedy they will soon perish, and you’ll begin to cherish them dearly,”

darling, darling. your heart is a precious one. your love is capable of so much more. your footsteps are getting there soon. here, here. you can create a sanctuary in your own head. revisiting it again and again if ever you stumbled upon a rough path. you can adorn it with newly crafted memories, laughter from your old friend, and a landscape from your favorite place. hey, future possibilities might be terrifying, but a realization that the opposite of failing is growing could be so much comforting, isn’t it?

I embrace you, this time tighter because I nearly have one second left, “though neither of us has any idea what happiness looks like, I promise you one thing. you would see, if not today, then at least tomorrow. if not tomorrow, then sooner or later. that contentment you craved so much to have, was not an unattainable thing,”

I know. I know because I have it already. enjoy the ride, and you will soon become me and I will become a part of you.